Tears of Ink
by Mrs. KisanceKiss
Summary: HIATUS! Author's block on this one is killing me. The only escape Carlos found was writing for his beloved man who was out there, telling him his reasons, putting his heart, soul, memories and insanity into them - even though he sounded pretty sane in them... I suck at sumaries, I know. Heavy stuff. Slash. Jarlos. R/R please!
1. 1st Letter

Hello everyone!

I'm back with another **Jarlos**, and this time with my very first long-fic here. I feel like I need to explain a little bit, so you won't say I didn't warn you.

This is a series of letters written by Carlos. This is a total drama, and there's pretty much no happy thing in this fanfic - except for Carlos' memories, that he will write down in the letters. There also is smut, but everything comes strictly from Carlos' memories to his letters. This fanfiction is RPS because I can! No, jk, it's RPS pretty much because it's my favorite way to write - and because I enjoy playing God and do whatever I want with them.

((It's _angst_ because of the obvious drama and blahblahblah, but it's also _romance_ because of Carlos' memories, and how he regards to James and stuff like that, ok?))

This fanfic is not completely written yet, so maybe I'll ask you for your opinion about the plot and how do you want it to go. And I also haven't decided if it has a happy ending. I love drama, so most likely it won't have, but still you can try and soften me.

The very first letter is short, just so you can quite of... get hints? I'm not sure, this first letter doesn't give away much, so I guess you'll just have to trust me a little bit in this one.

By the way, I'm only writing this if actually there's someone to read it. So, if you guys want to read this fanfic, please review and tell me what are your thoughts about it! All sort of opinions are welcome, just please be gentle because I'm very sensible. Oh, and I guess you already know that English is not my first language and that I make mistakes, so please point them out so I can always improve.

Oh, and I suck at titling things, so the title from this fanfiction, Tears of Ink, came from my besfren, Bomes. So, if you think this title sucks or if you like it, go tell him, yay!

And I know I talk too much. I'm _not_ sorry. ;D

So read, let me know what you think, and enjoy!

* * *

Hello, my dear.

I don't know why I'm doing this. I guess I'm just missing you. Forgive me for this shitty handwriting, it's because I have no glasses on – I managed to break them somehow, and now I'm blind.

Oh, last night, I was watching _The Talented Mr. Ripley_, and guess what? I was thinking about you. Remember when we watched it together for the first time? Your impressions were amazing. You're just as great at being Tom Ripley as Matt Damon was.

Everything about you is great, actually, and I miss you.

I wish you were here. I wish I wasn't insane, so I would be still safely wrapped in your arms. I'm sorry, and I wish you'd forgive me. But I know that this is _not_ happening. I also know that you are now happy with her – happy and out of the danger zone, right?

I wonder if you read any of the letters I've ever sent to you. I wonder if you remember. If you wake up in the middle of the night crying; if you think about when we were together; I mostly wonder how you are doing. 'Cause I'm all fucked up, and I wish you are just fine so I don't have to worry. But I keep worrying, because I have no news from you.

Last night, when I went to sleep, after watching the movie, I had a dream. There was this beautiful little girl and you were tucking her in to sleep. She had dark skin like me, but big and beautiful hazel eyes like yours. And then she suddenly had watering eyes, and asked you, _"Daddy, when is Papi coming home?"_, and you smiled and said _"Soon, sweetheart, soon, now go to sleep."_ It was beautiful, James. Beautiful.

You know what? I don't wonder if you read my letters. I actually know you do not, but whatever. I will stick to writing them, because I promised I'd love you forever, and forever I will. You know I don't go back in the things I promise – in fact, that's the actual reason why I'm here. I don't break promises.

Well, I should go. It's about four in the morning, and I'm here, talking to you – even thought you won't answer me.

I love you, James.

_Forever yours._

~CPenaJr.


	2. 2nd Letter

_Hiya!_

_This letter is just a little bit longer than the first one, but it's still short. I'm sorry. You can actually blame on _The Epic Of Bandana Man_, by _EpicInTheLibrary_, 'cause that's what I've been reading. But you can also blame on my another upcoming long-fic, _Mean Boys_. I'm not saying much about it, 'cause I'm still working on it. But I can tell you it's another Jarlos, yay!_

_So, I hope you don't get _too_ confused by this second letter, but I'd like to take it slow. I hope you don't get bored. And I know I made it clear that those weren't the first letters Carlos was sending to James, but let's just say those are the first ones that actually matter or have important contents._

_I'll try to make shorter author's notes, 'cause in the 1st Letter, the notes were almost bigger than the actually letter =(_

_I'm sorry for the wait, I'm a lazy typist._

_And thank you for the reviews. But I can always use more sakjsaçlsjalçkjsklaçjs It's like fuel, and gets me inspired whenever I read them._

___(Oh, and lemme know about any mistake you see, please!)_

_Ok, I'll stop babbling. On with the fic. _Enjoy_._

* * *

Hello.

I know you're not used to receiving letters from me all the time. But for the very first time in all those years, I feel like something's off.

Well, something _is _wrong.

I don't want to pressure you or anything like that, but may I ask you why you never came to see me? Are you ever coming? What day is today? I'm sorry.

Oh, please notice I still don't have my glasses. Shitty handwriting, but that's the maximum I can do, once I can't have lenses in here.

But as I was saying… I'm losing it, James. I can't clean my own room. How come I can't clean my room or wash my clothes or basic natural things like that? I'm a fucking neat-freak, Jesus Christ! But, also, I don't know for how long I've been here, I can't have my lenses (and you know I don't really like glasses), I don't know what fucking day is today. I'm losing it, James.

_Come save me, please._

But here is not all bad, you know. There are cool people, and cute little pets, and _Sydney_. I'm glad I can at least keep her. I think she's my connection with the reality. If it wasn't for her, how could I be sure everything from here back was actually _real_?

I feel like there's so much I need to tell you, I just don't know how to _say_ them. If you could only look into my eyes… But you are never coming, right?

Please, keep a secret: yesterday I tried again. I was just tying the last knot when the little redhead – her name is Bruna (your favorite name, remember?) – called the nurses. For all I understood, she likes me a lot. Than that huge nurse came in, and pulled me back and gah, all my work was lost.

And now I'm on the solitary. Bruna was here just a couple minutes ago. She talks to me through the door, and takes care of Sydney, and I adore her for that. She's really sweet. We could have adopted her. We only could.

I feel so sleepy. I don't even know what time is it, but when Bruna left, the sun was still up, 'cause she said she was going to walk Sydney while it was still clear outside. I probably shouldn't go sleep now, 'cause dinner isn't here yet, and when I wake up, the bugs will have been all over my food… but my eye…lids…don't answer me…anymore…'M sorry…Jamesy…

Love u…Gonna go sleep…Hungry…Too sleepy to wait…

~CPenaJr.


	3. 3rd Letter

Hello! I'm **so** sorry for the long wait! Like, really sorry. But I'm SO propense to have writer's block...

This is a small letter, again. But that's 'cause the next one is bigger, so... If I get reviews in this letter, then I'll post the next soon, because it's already written, so... It's up to you.

There's a VERY important but SMALL thing on this chapter, and I hope you notice this very little detail. Just putting this out there so you can... look for it saçlksaksçãlks

This A/N is short because I'm working on it - making shorter author's notes, so here you go! On with the fic. Please enjoy and review!

P.S.: Thank you for the favorites and alerts - even the ones who doesn't review, it's really important to me, so thank you! s2

* * *

Hai! =)

How are you? Hope you're doing fine.

So… I've been stuck on the solitary for a whole week, and they wouldn't let me write – apparently, I make too much of a mess (with screaming and shouting, and according to Dr. Marisa, _I'm not a good boy_) whether they give me paper or not so they just decided not to let me write. But now I'm out and back in the sun, so it's ok. I guess.

Last night I had a dream with you again. For someone in love, it's kinda rare for me to dream with you. I guess I just block them…? Especially because in almost all of them we're happy together, and Dr. Marisa taught me that keep hope on things we know are not happening doesn't help the cause. Actually, makes everything worse, so I've been trying. But I can't stop my dreams.

I can't stop closing my eyes and watching from 3rd person you coming with a whole shitload of paper and saying "I want to release Carlos Pena", like you did in my dream last night. And I can't help waking up so happy. When I dream with you I kinda think that you're coming, as if my dreams are… predictions. But you never come.

You know, James, I'm here but I'm not off the world. I know exactly what's going on outside. Bet any of you counted on that, do you? No, you don't.

Javi came to visit me today morning. He hugged me, and gave me stuff, and he brought me something I thought nobody would ever think about bringing to me, but I guess that's just what brothers do, right? He brought me a picture of you. Obviously nobody knows that. I have to hide it and stuff. But still. Actually, he brought some pictures. Of him, Antonio, Andres, Papa. You, Kendall, Logan, Dustin and Ranel. Somehow he managed to get all the 9 of you in just one picture and I love him for that. Then there's a picture of you and I kissing. I thought I was the only one who had that picture, but seems like my little brother found it somehow.

I don't care if they are going to see, the picture with all of you is hanging over my bed. Ours is under my pillow.

Oh! He also brought me one of your shirts. I bet you didn't know it, and I'm not sorry. Not ever giving it back. My favorite. Remember which one? Bet you don't. But it smells like you, and that's all that matters.

I have to go, now, Jamie. Bruna is calling me to I don't care what it is, but I'm not letting her alone, so… I gotta go.

I love you, sweetie.

_Forever yours._

~CPenaJr.


End file.
